Mindoir Memories
by Luna de Sonrisas
Summary: Garrus knew about Mindoir before he even learned Colonist Fem!Shep's name. He feels guilty and fights with his urge to tell her the truth.
1. Reflection

_Edited for flow ~_

* * *

Late at night, Ayete Shepard often finds herself in Garrus' quarters, talking until she falls asleep in his arms. Occasionally, she thinks about her family back on Mindoir and tells Garrus stories from her childhood. He smiles and listens to her talk, trying not to show the remorse in his eyes. "My mother would have loved you…she was so kind to everyone" she closes her eyes and sighs, "My father would have taken you in as a son, he wanted a son so badly. He even taught me how to fight when I was just starting school. Without him, I guess things would have been a lot different." Shepard grows quiet, resting her head on his steady shoulder.

Garrus remains quiet, not wanting to interrupt her thoughts. He drifts off into his own memory - first of many missions with C-sec all those years ago.

_The threat of slavers was increasing in a few of the colonies near the Terminus System and Garrus had been sent to apprehend one of the leaders on Mindoir. He pulled out his sniper and set up on the hillside overlooking a small settlement where he knew his target was last seen. After a while without a sight of the man, he starts to drag his scope along the landscape of the town. A young girl catches his eye in front of a small but pleasant house._

Shepard moves slowly, her breath becoming deep as she slips into her slumber. Garrus gets up, trying to not wake her, and carries her up to her own bed. Trying to sneak past all the prying eyes had to be one of the most difficult tasks of their relationship, but he would rather see her comfortable than cramped up in his corner of the battery. After punching in the code to her door, he lays her down, covering her with her blanket that she often left under the bed - a birthday present from her parents. Not feeling tired, he sat down in the chair facing the window to continue his thoughts.

_The young turian smiles at the beautiful girl, knowing she couldn't see him but still wished she could. He shakes his head, "What am I doing? She's human, the age difference..the species difference..man I need to get out once in a while." Looking back through the scope, he checks to make sure his target is still not out. He finds himself looking back toward the girl, mesmerized in the sights of his sniper rifle._

_Suddenly, shots were fired near the front of the colony. Garrus quickly scans the area, finding many people running around frantically, none of which being his target. He gets up, hoping he didn't miss his chance and caused all of this. He moves to a better viewpoint and finds that multiple ships had landed on the base, thousands of batarians exiting the vehicles with guns drawn. After not recognizing their uniforms, Garrus kept back and hidden, not wanting to blow his cover. He calls C-sec for back up but the closest ship would get there by the time most, if not all, of these people would be taken. Looking around, he tries to pick off as many of them as he can, until he ran out of ammunition. Panicking, he looked to see if the young girl was still there, but she had run, leaving her book and drink spilled on the chair she was sitting in. He had no choice but to leave, though his conscience would never forgive him; he was simply outnumbered._

The first time Garrus met Shepard, he instantly recognized her as the girl from Mindoir. With relief, he found that he had a million questions for her about that day. In his head, he knew that he could never ask her, for she would find out that he was there. Not just that he was there, but that he was watching her…that he failed to protect the colony…he failed to protect her and her family; the family that would have loved him, in reality, would hate him. He would lose her trust, she would feel completely different and he could never risk losing the best thing that had happened to him.

Garrus yawned and stood up, laying down in the bed next to his love, wrapping his arms around her sleeping body and kisses her forehead. Keeping his secret to himself will be his priority, next to making her happy and keeping her safe for as long as he lives.


	2. Conversations

After the Collector base, Garrus thought Shepard would not be able to leave to visit him any time soon. Then the Reapers attacked and all had changed. The Turian military needed Garrus as their 'Advisor on the Reapers' and the Humans needed Shepard on Earth. Until he saw her on Menae, he thought they might not see each other at all. Though he couldn't show his gratitude at seeing her alive in front of the Turian hierarchy, he was more than happy to after they got back to the Normandy. Ayete smiled up at him and he knew, before anything happened, that he had to tell her about Mindoir. Finding the time and place to, was a completely different issue.

"Shepard, there's something I need to tell you..." he whispered to himself as she walked out into the hall, the bright green clasp appearing on the closed door behind her. He knew he wasn't ready to tell her because he barely knew how to form proper sentences in her company. Instead of worrying about it, he starts back up on the calibrations that needed to be done after being out of his command for so long. "At least I have work to keep my mind off of all this" he says with a sigh as he continues his work throughout the night.

Liara messages Garrus, looking to find someone else who was awake so early like she always was. Garrus messages back, asking if she would like a break from her research for once. Shortly after, a knock sounds at the door, "Come on in, Liara, it's open."

She opens the door, coming in slowly, "It seems as though nothing changes around here, well, I mean with you since you're always up at all hours of the night." The Asari smiles at her old squadmate, "I'm glad though, I do need to take breaks more often; I spend more time asking Glyph to read things aloud to me than I do actually reading things on my own. I trust Palaven is safe without you then? Well, safe enough to let Shepard take you for herself."

Garrus nods, "It's not looking very good there, but I think the galaxy's only hope needs someone to watch her back."

"And a scientist to keep her properly informed, with a little firepower as well," Liara adds in, "What else has been going on with you?"

They both move to lean against the walls, getting more comfortable as they both knew it might be a long conversation. "Can I ask you some advice, Liara?" Garrus asks her, a little unsure of what her response might be.

Liara smiles, a bit apprehensively, "If I can help you, then I will tell you; so, yes."

"If you knew that you were a witness to a terrible event in someone's life, but they didn't know you were there, would you tell them?"

"Does this have to do with me? Or should I be concerned about someone else?" she asks quickly before forming an answer.

"It's not about you, but I would still like an answer as if it was you, if that's okay."

Liara nods, "Well, I would like to know; sometimes it is nice to have someone to share those moments with, even if we do not want to think about them."

Garrus closes his eyes, "I can see that, I guess that leaves me no choice then. Thank you, Liara. Now I just have to figure out how to break it to them."

"Well whoever it is, I hope they understand and I wish you luck. I will leave you to your thoughts then, it has been a nice chat. Could you please update me on the news after you tell them? I will be very curious otherwise, that is all." Liara nods goodbye as she walks back to her own quarters, leaving Garrus behind a similar green glow.


	3. Victories

As always, Shepard heads down to the cargo bay for another mission, asking EDI to notify Garrus and Tali that they would be coming along. Garrus grabs his guns and extra heat sinks, just in case, and makes his way toward the elevator. He must have called it before Tali got out there because the doors flung open almost instantly. After the doors closed behind him and the familiar jerk of the motors, he promised himself he would at least test the waters with the subject.

_Do you know if anyone else was there? I mean, other than the colonists? Someone that could have helped?_

Not now; not before the mission. Garrus had problems in the past with screwing up missions; telling Shepard that her new haircut looked asymmetrical was the time she almost lost her hair (and more) to a Geth Pyro. He knew that he would never allow it to happen again on his watch.

The doors opened up before him, seeing Shepard leaning against the table in front of him, "Well it took you long enough. I thought you would have sensed something was wrong." She smiles and walks over to him, giving him a kiss on the cheek, "It feels like forever since I've seen you.." she whispered softly to him.

Garrus looks down at her face, admiring her smile, "I know, but I'm here and you know I will never leave you alone."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I do."

Shepard nods and turns back, hearing the elevator open once again, revealing her quarian friend within. "Are you both ready? Nothing big, some reapers landed at a colony and Hackett wants us to evacuate. I hope you can handle it" she laughs, clearly joking with the two.

"I can handle it as long as you can handle me rushing ahead. My new gun needs some testing and this is the perfect opportunity" says Tali while checking her heat sink supply.

"Good luck getting to them by the time I take them out with mine" Garrus responds with a very cocky attitude.

"Only if I get to hit them with my singularity and watch them dance. Then you two can fight it out." Shepard smiles, knowing that even though her biotics are not as up to par as some of her other squadmates, but with these two, it's unique. One thing that Garrus loves about her is that she is always taking the middle ground, compromise and peace is her main goal. Though, when it comes to competition between them, she doesn't let him see her falter.

* * *

The squad comes back to the Normandy while laughing and celebrating their victory. Garrus knew that humans didn't like to miss the little moments, and in a time like this, taking all victories for what they are could mean the difference between a relaxing evening and a stressful one. This was a night of pure relaxation; they evacuated everyone, Tali got her test run, Garrus one his contest, and Shepard got to watch a husk writhe in her biotics. Everyone deserved to be a little happy that night. "I say, we break open some turian whiskey and spend the night as heroes should! Those bosh'tets didn't stand a chance against us!" Tali said excitedly as they headed toward the elevator. "I agree, except I'd rather have non-dextro drinks. It might make it actually enjoyable that way" Shepard didn't know whether to feel left out or not while in their company. All the talk of dextro chocolate always made her crave her stash of dark chocolate that she keeps in her desk drawer.

"Shall we meet in the lounge in 10 minutes then? I need to drop off my equipment in the battery" he didn't always make a special trip, but he wanted to clear his mind before potentially telling Shepard about Mindoir due to the effects of the alcohol.

Shepard nodded, "I need to go clean up anyway, I'll be down in 10 - well maybe 15."

Everyone agreed and went their separate ways. Safely behind the closed door, Garrus dropped his rifle and spare shots with a sigh, "I shouldn't go..I..I can just say there's an emergency calibration..yes. I can do that." He heads over to the lounge, Tali is pouring drinks already, "Hey, I'm sorry, I can't stay. Someone must have messed with the main gun and it's all off. By nearly twenty percent. I have no idea but tell Shepard to stop by if she wants and that I said sorry."

"Party pooper.." Tali says as he turns to leave, knowing that he's lying about something. There's no way he would let it get that off.

Back behind the doors, he pressed a few buttons on the board, turning the lock to a nasty red.

_Now I can keep myself here for the time being._


	4. Drinks

The hours roll by before Garrus hears a knock at the door and an 'oomph' behind it. "Garrus..open up! Why is the..the door locked?" Shepard says as she regains her balance. He hears Tali laughing in the background, much further away from the door than his commander was standing. Shepard shushes her friend, "Gaaaaarrus, I know you're in there.."

"You should head to bed Shepard, you need your rest and I need to work" he said trying not to sound cold.

"Please open up, I just want to see you before I go to bed, pleeeeeeease?"

He sighs, shaking his head, "Tali, please take her to bed?"

"Kee'lah, just give her a goodnight kiss! At least one of us needs to get some sugar once in awhile!" she says with a growing laughter, clearly feeling the tequila.

The turian sighs, "If I open the door, will you go to bed after a..um goodnight kiss?"

"Yes, I promise..but I think you should come with me" humans couldn't hide their certain eagerness after having alcohol, as Garrus found out. Shepard had now leaned against the door and was whispering, alluring, terms through the small crack.

Tali sighed, "Do it already, she's practically clawing her way in. I'll leave you two..to..toto.." she laughs at her own words, "go do what you guys do, I think I'll find a comfy spot to rest for the night." Stumbling back to the lounge, she starts singing old quarian folks songs amidst her hiccups and slurs.

"Please Garrus? Just five minutes?" she pleads, sliding down the smooth metal of the locked door.

He takes a deep breath and unlocks the door, "Five minutes and I'm taking you to bed and I will be coming back here alone." After seeing her on the ground, he feels bad and goes to help her up.

She fumbles in his arms, snuggling up to his warm chest, "Are you mad at me..? I didn't do anything wrong. I, I just wanted to see you before going to bed. I missed you earlier." Her words drift up as her scent reaches his nose. Taking a deep breath in, he can't help but smile, "I can't be mad at you, you haven't done anything wrong. I just had things come up. I hope you had fun with Tali though."

"Would have been better with you there."

"Shepard, you needed to celebrate without worrying about me. I would have been a..what did you call it? Party crasher?"

"A party pooper, and no you wouldn't have been. You're only a party pooper when you don't drink. We were successful, so why wouldn't you have had some?"

Garrus shakes his head, "I just don't feel like drinking." Thoughts race through his head as he says those few words; could he manage to keep this a secret until that right time or was he going to end up slipping just because of some bad decisions. He knew that he couldn't let the alcohol influence this decision and he couldn't let Shepard know that this was his reasoning. "My stomach hasn't felt too good lately and Chakwas just told me to keep away from possible triggers."

"Well my big strong turian should have just told me, I'll take care of him and his stomach ache" her hands slide down to his stomach, "You didn't eat any of my chips in the bowl on the desk did you? I should have told you about them."

"No, that wasn't it. You shouldn't worry yourself, I will be fine."

They both looked into each others eyes, blue reflecting her green. He felt ashamed, embarrassed and crushed while her eyes were full of hope, love and kindness. All of which only made him feel worse. "Ayete..I need to tell you something..but I want you to remember it. Promise me we can talk tomorrow night?"

Looking at him, she feels confused, but attributes it to the amount of drinks her and Tali shared, "I can do you one better, we can talk..and do more than that. Does that sound like a plan then?"

"Deal. Now it's time to take you to bed. Can you walk or do I need to help?"

"I'm Commander, no, _T__he_ Commander Shepard. I think I can walk back to my own quarters."

"Then by all means, Commander, proceed with your plan of attack."

She turns and starts walking toward the door, stumbling and trying to be as confident as she can. "Alright maybe I need some help.."

Garrus laughs and goes over, helping her stand up completely, "It's not a bad thing to ask for help, you know. That's why I'm here, to help you and to have your back."

Shepard nods, feeling sick to her stomach and realizing that he is right in every way. No matter what, there's no Shepard without Vakarian.


	5. Hangover

_Humans sure sleep funny. _

Garrus had been waiting in Shepards' quarters until she finally passed out. He could never understand her weird sleeping positions; sleeping in the tiniest ball possible couldn't have been very comfortable. After her breath slowed to a constant speed, he got out of the chair and walked as quietly as he could to the door. Before opening the door, he took one last look at her.

_This might be the last time you let me be in here. Spirits, I..._

The thoughts trailed off as he opened the door, locking it behind him.

_I truly hope that you won't hate me._

* * *

Working through the night was something that Garrus had become accustomed to since being on the Normandy. The only time he ever got real rest was after he and Shepard spent the night together in her quarters. He knew that those moments were the ones that he cherished, the ones he was going to miss if this all went wrong. Though he wasn't known for his optimism, he tried his best to see Shepard forgiving him in the end. She was always forgiving of peoples' sins; especially in the case of Sidonis. The shot was lined up but she knew that he had to be forgiven, even if what he had done was beyond unforgivable. It took him weeks to get over the fact that he walked away free, but she taught him that everyone deserves to be given that second chance, despite past actions.

_She's a much better person than I am._

The familiar beep on his omnitool alerted him to a message

**NEW MESSAGE**

Garrus, can you bring me some food from the mess? I don't think leaving the bathroom would be a pretty sight..

Thanks.

CDR A. Shepard

**END TRANSMISSION**

With a sigh, he shakes his head. He had to keep this from her until tonight and if he's going to be taking care of her, it only makes it that much more difficult.

**SEND NEW MESSAGE  
**

**RECIPIENT CDR SHEPARD**

I'm sending Liara up with some food, my stomach's been acting up so I'm going to rest for a while. Feel better.

G. Vakarian

**END TRANSMISSION**

**SEND NEW MESSAGE**

**RECIPIENT LIARA T'SONI**

Shepard's not feeling well and needs some food brought to her, is there any way I can ask you to bring some to her? I'm...kind of busy. Don't ask. Please.

G. Vakarian

**END TRANSMISSION**

"That should work for now. As long as Liara agrees, that is" he says to himself, feeling a slight weight lift off his shoulders. Compared to dealing with the reapers and geth, this is one of the hardest things he's had to deal with in a long time. The way to solve the first issue is a good headshot. Doing that in this situation is far from what needs to happen, nor what he wants in the first place.

**NEW MESSAGE**

You should take care of her, Garrus, but if you're truly preoccupied, I can do you a favor this one time. But you owe me. I'm not sure what, but I'll figure it out. Finish what you're doing so you can explain yourself to her later. You know she won't be happy.

L

**END TRANSMISSION**

His plan seems to have worked, but he realized that Shepard hadn't responded. Had he made her mad already? Was she just going to ignore him for the rest of the night? It could be for the better but he couldn't stand thinking of her being upset just because of something so trivial.

"Damnit Vakarian" says a clearly struggling voice. "Did I.." she stumbles on the stairs leading to his door, "I asked for you, not Liara. Now do you want to explain what the hell you think you're doing locking yourself down here?" Garrus had never seen his Commander this mad at someone since Zaeed tried to put himself in front of the mission at the Eldfell-Ashland refinery. He turned back and looked at the door, a bit relieved that is was the same angry red as her voice was protruding through the very same door. Her fists pound against the door, "You open this door immediately or I will make EDI do it. You damn well be man enough to face me on your own accord and explain what has been going on with you."

"You don't want to know Shepard. You really don't." Garrus shakes his head, not opening the door.

"EDI! Open this damn door right now!"

The door slides open with a hiss similar to that of a banshee ready to attack. Shepard is standing in the opening with her hair a mess, wearing her lounge sweater, as she called it, over her secondaries. A faint mix of alcohol and vomit wafted through the air between them. "Start explaining before I have to puke again" she says full of strained anger.


	6. Exposed

"Shepard, you know I would help but I'm still trying to fix what went wrong last night" he rubs his neck, trying to be as convincing as he can though he knew it was most likely in vain. "If anything were to happen to us out there and we couldn't fire the cannon to it's full potential, it would be my fault."

"So you can't take a whole 5 minutes to bring me some toast while we're heading into dock anyway where you can't even use that gun?"

"No..I mean, why are we docking? You don't seem well enough to fight, anyway" looking confused and left out of the loop.

"Brownie points won't get you anywhere Vakarian! Chakwas needs to get some more supplies so she asked if we could dock at the Citadel for an hour or so. It doesn't matter anyway, you can't fire that gun while we're in dock so there's no point in you trying to fix it now."

Before this, Garrus knew that most of the crew had heard about their relationship. After many trips between his quarters and hers, it was hard to keep a secret. Though, if they didn't know before, then they sure knew now as they all gathered in the mess hall behind their Commander. "Please come in and close the door. We're stirring up the crew.." he says softly, trying not to upset her worse than she already was.

She brushes her tangled hair back behind her ear and glances behind her. Everyone who was once looking, quickly turned away, trying to act inconspicuous. She looks back at him, still full of anger, and walks toward his console. She pushes a few buttons as Garrus watches the door slam behind her. "Now will you tell me what's really going on? I really don't want to make this more...exposed and well, explosive, than it already has been."

He nods, "Shepard, you don't want to know, I promise you that."

"Is this what you wanted to talk about tonight? Better off telling me now than waiting and being pissed off at each other, don't you think?" she sits down at his desk, after dusting off the chair that he clearly never sat in.

"I..I guess you're right. You probably won't want to have anything to do with me after this, so do you have anything you would like to say before that happens?"

"Nothing you say could make that happen, regardless of how mad you make me. I love you Garrus, through it all."

Garrus takes a deep breath, preparing for what would be a long afternoon, "You..I mean obviously you remember it. But, back on Mindoir," the flashbacks started to scroll through his mind, "I was there..I saw it all." He watched the dissipating anger in her eyes turn slowly into shock.

"What..? Garrus, what are you talking about? You couldn't have been there. You would have stopped it all if you were" her own mind was full of her own flashbacks.

_The chapter dwindled down as her young eyes try to keep up with the excitement. She kept turning the pages eagerly to keep up with the words. After finally getting away from her Dad's insane training, she was going to finish the book her Mom gave to her as a birthday gift. A shadow passes over her book just as she reaches the end of the page. She looks up to find the source; a big naval ship but she didn't recognize the colors. Once it landed, she heard screams coming from the landing platform._

_Screams she could still hear when she closed her eyes._


	7. Flashbacks

_TW - Physical Abuse in Ch. 7 and_ 8.

"Please..please tell me you weren't there" she pleads with him, hoping she misheard him.

"I was. I was stationed there to watch for a man named Pernatus Raneau. He's the leader of the group of slavers that attacked. They told me that there was a chance he would be there that day, so I set up. The problem was that I only brought enough clips to take out a few squads, not a whole army" he looked down at his hands, his fingers still feeling the strain of pulling the trigger so many times in those few hours.

_The roads were quickly filled with batarians, grabbing anyone and everything they could. She dropped the book and ran inside to get her handgun. Without thinking, she loaded it and started shooting a few of the batarians that were carrying people, her father had always commended her aim so she knew she could take them out without harming her neighbors. With each gunshot, one dropped, but another came up and took the previous person's bounty. The only thing left that she could do was run; as they started to catch up, she knew that a few hundred batarians could easily outnumber her one pistol._

"Garrus, you wouldn't have let that happen if you were actually there. This isn't a funny prank and if I find out that Joker was in in all of this, I will have you both discharged." Her mind is filled with rushed feelings of anger and betrayal; not at the fact that he could have been there but at the sudden realization that this could be a joke and that Garrus told Joker about everything and he was just recording it for him.

He looks at her seriously, "No I am not pulling any pranks and no, Joker does not know. He also better not be listening in on our private conversation" his snide remark clearly intended for listening ears of the security cams. "Do you really think it makes me feel good to know that I let your family..your whole life, shatter in one afternoon? That's what happened Shepard, and I'm not one bit proud of it. I had that assignment scratched from my record because nothing was accomplished due to my being there."

_"The pretty little human girl tries to use her gun! A pistol against a well armed batarian, what a joke. Krana, go get the boss while I keep her locked down. I'm sure she'll make a pretty penny." His eyes glared at her while she fumbled to find any spare heat sinks around in the garage of her friend, Trina's family. "Useless. Pathetic. Can't you just sit still and get used to being told what to do? Well you're not getting out of here without chains, so I guess enjoy it while you can."_

"I don't care if you don't want to remember it, I have to remember. I don't have a choice! I relive it every damn time I go out there; every colony we save could have been my own, but wasn't; every enemy I kill could have been that damned batarian, but it never will be. You had sat there and watched it from your perfect little safe spot, got away perfectly fine while everyone I knew was raped, shot until barely alive, dragged by their hair, and shoved on a damn ship only to be sold as mice to others who were going to treat them just as bad. You" she got up close to his face, breathing heavily as she pushed him against the closest wall with all of her anger she had built up, "you had no damn inkling of what we felt down there and you think you have it so bad! You could have saved us, saved more than actually made it out without your help. Damnit, Garrus, you could have at least saved one person. But no, you didn't."_  
_

"Shepard, I tr.."

"No. Don't you say you fucking tried. If you had really tried, you would have saved someone. You could have done something."

_"Do something girl, come on, shoot us with that gun." The taller one laughs and tosses a heat sink in her face as the other one kicks her back, knocking the wind out of her lungs. She does her best to grab the spare shot, only to get her hand stepped on by what she thought were the biggest boots she had ever seen. "Oh no, that's a shame, just out of your reach huh?" Both laughed in unison. Her body gets pushed so her stomach is smashed against the cold pavement, her face inches away from the little puddle of blood that fell from her mouth. A cold claw scratches at her back._

Tears fell from her eyes quicker than she had previously thought possible, "Get out Vakarian." She walks back into her quarters, shutting the door behind her.

The only thing Garrus recognized from his dazed point of view was a harsh, dark red glow. He stumbled to the door and hit it with all of his strength with one fist, sliding it down the metal plating to find that nothing had changed. The door was still locked; Shepard was still mad; he just ruined his only chance at being happy for a very long time.


	8. Red Wine

**___TW - Physical Abuse in Ch. 7 and_ 8.**

_A haze slowly crept into her field of vision. Ringing in her ears and the sound of clothing being ripped apart with a force known only as ill intent. Pain ripped through her body as her screams escaped, echoing around her and through her very soul. An exit. If she could find a way out, provided she lived through the next hour, she would be free. The sounds of sick pleasure only inches away from her ears made her screams rattle her heart. Her blood was coursing through her veins in attempt to free itself; the fight instinct was one she was unfamiliar with but was soon her best friend. Once she felt his grip lessen, her elbow flew from her side and connected with what she could only hope was between at least one set of eyes. _

Without a second thought, the great Commander Shepard knew what her night was leading up to be. The only way she found she could cope after reliving those events was to play classic music by the one and only, Frank Sinatra, while passing out in bed after at least two bottles of wine. This time, after the first half of the bottle and a wondrous hour of trumpets and smooth tones, her pain seemed to be getting worse. Each gulp of the thick red juice only increased her thought patterns, quickened her breath and kick started the memories.

_A pressure was lifted from her body. She crawled toward that heat sink like it was the last drop of water on Earth. _"I am quite thirs..ty..._hic_.." she took another mouthful of sweet wine. _"That's it you little bitch! I was being nice to you by showing you a good time but I guess not everyone can be forgiving. I guess breaking your arms will teach you!" He ran toward her after getting back on his feet. His disgusting fingers laced around her wrist, her hand trying to keep hold of the heat sink. He looked into her eyes and laughed, a wholehearted laugh that was seen in each one of his hideous eyes. _

Shepard got up and barely managed to make it to the toilet as all that wine made it into the bowl. Each vision of his body, of those eyes, made her convulse into a nasty dry heave. Her vision starting to become similar to that night, the red in the bowl reminiscent of her blood on the cement ground.

A knock sounded at the door followed by an odd sounding voice, not because she didn't recognize it but because she rarely heard it on the Normandy without use of the intercom. "Shepard, my readings show a high level of alcohol in the air of your quarters, is everything okay in there?" EDI pressed her hand against the door, hoping she wouldn't have to hack her way in. "I'm..fine EDI, please just stay out. I'm just having a rough night" she responded, finding it difficult to speak coherently. EDI looked down near the lock to see a dent in the door that still had a heat reading. "Are you aware somebody tried to forcibly open your door? It seems recent." "EDI it was just Garrus, we had a..." her stomach seemed to think she shouldn't have finished that sentence as it interrupted her so rudely. The sound of her door opening made her heart drop, "EDI please, we just had a fight, that's all. I'm..I'm fine."

Her smooth metallic body reflected the light from the bathroom that glared directly into her eyes. "I can assist you Shepard, I am here to listen if you need it." EDI's requests always seemed so well intended but sometimes Ayete wished she knew when to just leave something alone. "I don't need assist...asssitsan...assistance. I just need to handle this my own way, which is alone." She never wanted to be mean to anyone, especially her crew, but when nights like this happen, whatever comes out of her mouth is not always her choice. "I see. Well I might suggest water before you lose consciousness And a pillow. The floor is not soft in here" EDI turned and quickly left. Her ability to read situations was still developing but she knew this was not time to mess around. Her curiosity though, had grown greatly and she knew she had to talk to the only other party in this situation.

After arriving in the elevator, she did a ship wide search for the turian in question. Her cameras showed him in the docking bay, sparring with none other than Mr. Vega. The doors on the elevator opened and neither of the men looked toward her. Blood dripped off of both, mixing together on the floor below them. Cortez was sighing while watching from the safety of his desk, "I hope you're planning on cleaning that up, Vega, there isn't enough cerveza on this ship for me to do that." James grunted as a recognition of what he said as he took a blow to his right side. "Garrus, do you have a moment?" EDI finally spoke up and asked. Garrus took the opportunity of Jame's misplaced hook, to grab the underside of his arm and flip him on his back. "Point. And 5 minute break" he said, clearly exhausted as he slowly limped his way toward the AI, "What is it?"

"Did you know that trying to break down alliance property is a fine, Mr. Vakarian? Shepard's door is clearly under these restrictions and she stated you were the last one there."

"EDI, I don't want to talk about this, okay? Just go back to flying the ship. Better yet, just stand up in the cockpit so Joker can." Clearly bitter about her asking, he was in no mood to cooperate and tell the computer what was going wrong in his love life.

Taken aback, EDI didn't respond. She only nodded and went back up to the flight deck. Not without turning off the power on the launch deck before she arrived there, though. "Pendejo, what was that all about? Why'd she turn off the lights?" James asked the now, extremely pissed off Garrus. All that answered his question was a loud bang of metal across the room and the light from the elevator opening and closing. "Hermano, know how to turn the lights back on?" he asked Cortez. "Tell EDI we're sorry and hope for the best, I guess."


	9. Spar

Sweat and blood dripped off the scales of the emotionally and physically exhausted turian while he waited for the elevator to open. The door slid, what seemed to be slower than normal, as he pressed his way toward the glistening robot body that was receding to the flight deck. Though he was feeling quite angry, he knew waiting until being behind the closed door ahead was better than in front of half the crew. Both bodies entered the small area as the door closed inches away from Garrus' back. He grabbed her metallic arm, "What's the big idea, EDI?" Joker turned his chair as fast as it would go, "Hey now, what's going on? Why are you guys in here..and Garrus, why are you bleeding? Do I need to-" EDI turned to him and calmly said, "Mr. Vakarian has had some difficulty controlling his temper. The blood was caused by Mr. Vega in a sparring match which was only, to be presumed, as a way to relieve the stress of a fight he and Shepard had earlier. There is no need to stop anywhere as he can go see Dr. Chakwas if he so wishes."

"It's none of your damn business what I am doing nor why I may be doing it. Our relationship is fine and there is no reason for anyone to interfere."

"No but when it damages alliance property, it does involve me." she glances down at her arm "As does this instance."

He releases his grip on her, "Fine, I'm sorry for denting the door and hurting you. If that's even possible."

"But I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. You are unaware of how Shepard is handling the situation. She is consuming high levels of alcohol, higher than normal. I feel, she needs to be monitored in order to prevent alcohol poisoning. I tried to lend assistance but she wanted to be left alone. I wanted to see if you were doing any better, which it seems you would rather have the lieutenant kill you in a spar than to let it get to you." EDI said with a half smile, proud of her ability to comprehend situations better than she has in the past. Joker sat silently in the background as to not draw the attention of the extremely angry alien in his quarters. He was used to seeing him agitated on the battlefield, but never like this.

"Just stay out of it EDI. If she needs your help, then she'll ask. She may be stubborn but she knows when she can't handle something. I'll notify Chakwas to have supplies prepared for her for the morning." Garrus turned quickly and exited before EDI had any response. He knew that Shepard had these nights of drinking, sometimes she would let him in for a little 'down time' but it never escalated to the point of actual danger. She may not have been able to handle the alcohol in the morning but she never let it bother her during the night.

Distracted by his thoughts, he failed to notice the random staff that watched him on his walk to the elevator. Just because they were behind a closed door, doesn't mean said door was soundproof.

* * *

_Each and every one of her muscles ached. She pulled with all of her strength on her dead leg, whipping it up into the back of the batarian's thigh. He fell forward onto her chest, knocking the wind out of her._ A dry heave interrupts her breath._ The taste of iron makes her want to expel her entire stomach onto his face. Her arm flew out of his grip and reloaded the gun before the other batarian could even reach the one stumbling back in front of her. Click..boom. The body made a horrendous noise as it splattered to the ground with blood oozing from the hole in its' face. The sound gave her a sort of sick smile, one that they couldn't help but be afraid of. She had managed to fight back and could now see the light at the end of the tunnel. Though, the light wasn't her death; it was her escape._

In her dreary, drunken stage, she had managed to wander over to her desk and opened up her email. It seemed to be the most important thing for her to do at that moment. She made a quick message to Dr. Chakwas, warning her that she would be visiting in the morning. Though, she wasn't sure if she would be able to read the message because no matter what she had typed, it came up as nonsense. The next thing she did was not for ill intent, but instead because she needed something a bit stronger. She messaged Kaidan and asked if he still had that Peruvian Whiskey she had given to him and if she could have it.

After sending the message, she once again had no idea if he was even able to comprehend the message but after looking at the empty bottles of wine scattered around her room, she was hoping he would bring it anyway on his way to make sure she was okay. After all, who wouldn't bring more drinks to someone who is clearly already intoxicated?

Her body and mind could not make up their minds as she went back and forth through flash backs and drunken pain. Either way, she needed something that was going to make it stop, which means enough liquor to pass out flat. Whiskey and wine would definitely do the trick.

* * *

As Garrus entered the med bay, Dr. Chakwas barely looked up from her computer, "Garrus, have you checked on Shepard lately? Her message she just sent me really didn't make much sense...it says 'wine' a lot."

He couldn't help but smile because he knew that she could not send messages, nor do anything coherently, after having a few drinks. Let alone if she had consumed the three bottles she had left in her wine cooler. "Yeah, she needed to blow off some steam, which is why I'm here. I just wanted to let you know that she will most likely be coming down here in the morning with a severe hangover. But, apparently she tried telling you for herself so she is probably well aware of it as well."

"Thank you Garrus, I just hope I don't have to go do a home treatment. I hate the stench of vomit and alcohol mixed in the air. It's like a sad after party and it just ruins the morning. I'll have some good food ready for her as well."

He nodded and left, going back into his quarters and locking the door behind him. He knew that after all this, questions would be flying at him whether he could answer them or not. He check his inbox to see only one message, from James asking if he knew how to turn the lights back on. Needless to say, the message was deleted and he promptly closed all non-essential systems on his computer. He made himself cozy on his bunk and laid there for the rest of the night thinking of what a mistake he had made, the glow of the gun being his only companion.


	10. Temptation

In the dark of the lounge where Kaidan had apparently fallen asleep while reading his omni-tool's news updates for the previous week, a blinking light appeared along with the ding of a message notification. Coming back to consciousness, his eyes blinked repeatedly to the harsh light while he stumbled to open the message.

**NEW MESSAGE**

Can...I meaannnnd botl. wwwwwieesky tto me tonnidfht?Pldssksaaadin?

CDR A. Shepard

**END TRANSMISSION**

Still riddled with sleep, Kaidan shook his head hoping that it was just his brain that was misreading the message. After he forced himself out of the chair, he reread it and found that it was indeed Shepard's poor typing skills that lead to his misunderstanding. Though he had only been back on the Normandy for a few weeks, he knew this was her 'beyond drunk' message, and from the looks of it, she wanted whiskey to top it all off.

**NEW MESSAGE**

Shep,

I only have the one bottle and if you really want it, I'll see if Vakarian will take it to you.

Spectre Alenko  
SSV Normandy

**END TRANSMISSION**

****Not a few moments later, his omni-tool starts ringing. Reluctantly, he answers it to see a very inebriated Shepard on the other end. "Damn, you don't look like you're doing too well, Shep. How much have you had to drink?"

She shakes her head slightly, eyes half closed and bloodshot, "I don't know and...I don't really care. I needssomethin strong..stronger. Please come up and bring...the wwwhhh..whiskey."

"I can't, I'm not adding to your advanced state of drunkenness. I'm going to send Garrus to check on.."

"NO." Shepard clearly said to him before he could finish his sentence. "I don't want to see him nor...nor do I think he would come. Please..just bring it to me or I'll come get it myself."

Click.

It was a rare sight to have the Commander hang up on anyone so suddenly, other than the council that is. She always tried to make sure she made amends before ending a call even with an enemy. Whether the other person was willing to listen is usually another problem in and of itself. He would know. He got up and walked over to the bar, grabbing an empty bottle from the trash and cleaning it out before he filled it with water. At this stage, she wouldn't be able to tell what it was and at least it'll get water back into her system.

Kaidan always had a certain difficulty dealing with Shepard after he had found out about her and Garrus; whether it was on the battlefield or not, he couldn't leave her unattended. His heart wouldn't let her go even if hers had let him go. She was still important to him even if he knew it was only going to be on a friendship level. After all, they both suffered through Ashley's death together, which made them close regardless of the events that have since occurred.

He made his way to the elevator with his fake whiskey and pushed the button. Glancing over his shoulder to make sure Garrus didn't catch him, he stepped on and quickly closed the door. "Why am I even worrying about this? I'm helping a friend, nothing more. I have no reason to feel guilty, I am not doing anything wrong" he assured himself before arriving at the top floor. He knocked on the door gently, as to not startle her and quickly saw the red lock turn green. He took a deep breath before stepping inside and seeing the mess that was Shepard's quarters.

"Heeeeey, you brought it!" a weak voice trailed from near the bed. "Um..yeah, where are you?" he said trying to make his way through the random stuff that looked like they were hurled in anger from across the room. "Under..here" she said again, not being able to move much. Kaidan saw two feet coming out from under the bed. "How could you see me from under there?" he asked while he got down onto the floor to see her.

"I hacked into my own cameras! I wanted to make sure it was you, duh."

He crawled under as far as he could to see her laying on her back and turning off the omni-tool's video feed. "So, let me have it?" He shook his head, "You can have it when you come out from under the bed and lay down in bed, you need some rest." "I can't get out...I've tried" she mumbled, looking kind of ashamed of herself.

Kaidan sighed, getting back up to his knees and grabbing a hold of her ankles. He pulled her out and picked her up gently, placing her on the bed. Once she was laying still, he handed her the bottle. Ayete took it from his hand and gulped half of it down. "You should take it easy, you're going to have one hell of a hangover, you know" he told her as he put a blanket over her. She shook her head, "It doesn't matter to me, I just want to pass out already. And this better do the trick!" Her eyes were starting to close more often as she kept drinking the water. "You know Kaidan, this whiskey tastes like shit" she said as she curled up into a little ball of laughter. "It's not too bad, maybe you just have different tastes. Like a lot of things.." The last part Kaidan intended to be more toward himself that to be said to her. She shook her head and smiled, "I remember you liking my tastes not so long ago.." He looked at her in surprise, "Yes but things have changed and you have Garrus to do all the tasting instead."

"Yeah but it's different. I could see the pleasure in your eyes, but with Garrus it's hard to tell. I miss that..."

"Don't say that Ayete, just..don't. You're not going to get anything out of being sweet to me. You're going to make him even angrier than it seems he is. What happened anyway?"

She crawled over toward him and reached out, grabbing his leg and forcing him to sit on the bed. She then laid her head on his thigh and smiled up at him, "I don't remember anymore but it.." she let out a big yawn, "it made me very upset. I just want to forget forever.."

He bit his lip and looked down at her as she started to finally fall asleep. His mind trailing off to dark places and the only thing keeping him sane was the thought of a very angry turian shoving his claw through his chest. After he was sure that she was asleep, he got up slowly, replacing his lap with a pillow and leaving a note on the table. He quietly made his way back to his bunk and fell asleep for real this time.


	11. Progress

Before long, the familiar throbbing in her head pulled her out of her slumber as she struggled to open her eyes. Thankfully, the lights were turned off, her music had dissipated as well, though she couldn't remember if she had turned it off or not. Now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember much of anything from the previous night.

No, she remembered one thing.

The one subject she was trying to forget came rushing to her memory with such force that her stomach felt the punch. The result was something she didn't look forward to cleaning up, between her and Garrus and the mess on the floor.

Though the commander wanted nothing more than laying in bed all day, she knew she had a job to do. Her muscles twitched while trying to sit up, taking every ounce of strength to get up and make her way to the shower. On her way, she sent a quick message to Chakwas, hoping that she was up this early, that she would be down in a half hour. Without waiting for a response, she slowly peeled off her clothes that clung to her sweaty skin and turned on the lukewarm water. For how nice the Normandy was, the water heaters were lacking strength.

The length of her shower was cut short when she heard repetitive knocks at her door. Most people just knock once or twice and with no answer, leave. Whoever this is, clearly wanted in and wasn't planning on leaving. Ayete sighed and put on a clean set of secondaries before finally opening the door.

"Good, you're awake. We need to talk" said a very familiar voice.

"Garrus, no, I don't want to talk to you. How many times do I have to tell you that. Honestly, just go back to working on the damn gun and leave me alone" she said while trying to close the door. The turian pushed his way into the door, grabbing her shoulders and kissing her with enough force to knock her into the wall behind them. "Please...we need to talk. I can't...I can't stand having you upset with me. I love you and that will never change. Can't we just try and fix this?" He pleaded with his whole heart, he knew she was mad but he had to make it right.

Ayete looked into his eyes, still feeling off about everything, especially the kiss. For the first time, she felt scared when he kissed her. How could she be afraid of such a loving gesture? She wasn't quite sure why, but she started crying and immediately pulled out of his grasp, walking toward the mess in her room; maybe cleaning up would help her get her mind off of everything. "Talk. But there's no guarantee that I'll say anything back."

"I just want you to know that I did everything I could. I saw you and when I started taking out nearby enemies and looked back, you were gone. I couldn't find where you had went but I didn't see any take you onto the ship. I called for back up but they arrived just after the main ship left. We were able to apprehend a handful of the slavers but that's all." He sits down on the couch, putting his head in his hands, "I did my best, you have to believe me. Besides, you were just a girl, one of thousands that I was sent to protect, and I failed all of them. I hate thinking about that day, that mission. That's why I had it wiped from my records. I did that a long time ago, before I even met you on the Citadel. Knowing that I failed you too...it..makes it even worse." He looks up from his hands, seeing her still cleaning, albeit somewhat clumsily.

She continued to pick up the empty bottles, making sure not to look in his direction. Her body was stumbling with her every step as she was still fighting off the effects of the alcohol. Her stubbornness was one thing Garrus knew would hurt her in the end and he could see her struggling. "Please sit down, Ayete. I don't want you to wear yourself out. I'll clean up for you, don't worry." She stopped what she was doing and sat on the edge of her bed, facing away from him. "Thank you. Anyway, I didn't feel right keeping that kind of secret from you and I was hoping that you would understand that. We shouldn't keep secrets from each other, regardless of what they are. Okay?"

The accuracy of his words hurt her a bit, she knew they couldn't keep secrets and he did the right thing. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt though, a pain that didn't want to leave regardless of what he said. "Okay. I'm still mad at you though. I understand your reasoning and kindly ask for you to leave. Time..I just need time" she asked him, swallowing her pride as much as she could.

Garrus nodded, "I..okay I will go, but please...lay off the drinking for a couple days. We still have a job to do and everyone is worried about you. Get some rest, I'll get the medicine from Chakwas and leave it at your door if you would like" he stands up slowly, feeling triumphant about finally making some progress with her when something catches his eye; a handwritten note on her table. He grabs it subtly, tucking it into his pocket and makes his way to the door. Ayete nods in agreement without saying anything as she sees him leave out of the corner of her eye. A sigh of relief escaped her lips as she laid back on the bed, staring into the fathoms of space above her, "Damnit all."


	12. Realization

The elevator opened in front of him, revealing Chakwas' smiling face, "Is she awake?"

He shook his head, "Yes and no, I told her I'd leave the medicine out here so we don't disturb her any more than necessary" he responded, taking the bag and placing it in front of Shepard's door. "Shall we?" he said as he walked past her into the back of the elevator after pressing the third button.

The door closed in front of them both as a heavy silence fell over both of them. Chakwas sensed something had been wrong between the two of them recently since she didn't see either of them sneaking off in the night to each other's quarters. "Did she look okay?" she asked shyly, trying not to seem too prying. "As usual after a night of drinking. I asked her to lay off for a few days, so hopefully she'll listen."

A short reply was his only hope to shake off the inevitable questions about the couple. He knew she often stayed up quite late and knew he was caught more than a few times either going or returning from his commander's room. The last couple days weren't normal in her eyes, and eventually more people than just the doctor would be able to tell.

After another long pause, the doors opened to their floor. "Thanks for bringing it to her Doc, and hopefully she's not using up your whole supply. Might have to dock soon if she keeps it up" he said with a light chuckle on their way through the hall. "It was no problem Garrus, be sure to check in on her often." The door to the med-bay slowly shut behind her, ending their conversation, if either would consider that one.

Once safely behind his closed door, he pulled out the piece of paper he had been messing with in his pocket since leaving Shepard's room. He looked at the scribbled writing and scanned it with his omni-tool to better read the messy words. Though he had learned what a few English words looked like thanks to Shepard, he didn't know nearly enough to determine what the note said. After the program scanned and translated the text, he read it aloud to himself,

"A,  
Thanks for the nice night. We should do this more often. I'd love it if next time was without alcohol, as funny as you are while drunk. We need a nice sane talk, when you have time, also. I miss the way we used to be and I can't stand our meetings only resulting from a drunken decision. Next time we're on the Citadel, let's get some good old fashioned burgers, if we can find any. Man, I miss Earth. Anyway, let me know.  
-K"

His mind rushed with meanings, secret messages, anything that could have been a result of their fight. Ayete had been with Kaidan before her, incident, and she still felt bad about leaving him hanging after coming back and not contacting him. Garrus had liked to remind her that things had changed, time had passed and that Kaidan seemed too angry to be able to fully forgive her and therefore wouldn't have taken her back anyway. Albeit, he thanked Kaidan for acting the way he did on Horizon because that was the first night he and Ayete were able to talk. And by talk, he meant more than the standard conversations. She told him everything, opened up her heart and soul about everything from her relationship with Kaidan to the day on Mindoir. When she did that, Garrus realized that he loved her more than he knew. At first, it was the standard pretty girl infatuation, but she opened up and trusted him so much. He knew it was love and therefore wouldn't let a heartbreak like that happen to her again.

Then it hit him.

That night, she had hinted to him about something dark on Mindoir. Darker than the slavers taking everyone and killing the rest.

_Her face was still swollen and red with glistening tears on her cheeks, "After I got away from the main threats, I hid. I was a coward and tried hiding in my friends garage. But..they were there. They..threw me on the ground.." He listened with sincerity, "But you got away, you're here now. You survived." A new gush of tears fell from her eyes, a nod brought her into his chest. He put his arms around her and hugged her tightly until the sobbing stopped, "I'm sorry."_

His heart ached, she didn't tell him then but he had a feeling about what was actually making her upset. All he wanted was to burst in there and give her the most comforting hug he could possibly give. All she wanted was to pretend like the cause of her abuse was only the fault of the batarians. He didn't know exactly what happened after that point in her memories, but it was something he could have stopped. If he had searched all the buildings, looked for any survivors, it could have been avoided. It would have never happened to his love.

**-SEND NEW MESSAGE**

**RECIPIENT MAJ KAIDAN ALENKO**

I need to talk to you. The sooner the better. It's about Shepard. I'm not mad, I just need to ask some questions about her.

G. Vakarian

**END TRANSMISSION**

If he didn't know about everything that happened on Mindoir, maybe he would be able to find some news as to what happened last night. Though if she had done something with her ex, he probably deserved it. Though a punch in the face from the Major would make him feel better, at least, if the conversation goes badly. Accusing him of doing something would be a quick way to accomplish that, but he'd rather actually have some information, not just a damaged face plate.

**NEW MESSAGE**

I'm in the lounge. She's okay, right? She didn't look too good last night.

Spectre Alenko  
SSV Normandy

**END TRANSMISSION**

**-SEND NEW MESSAGE**

**RECIPIENT MAJ KAIDAN ALENKO**

I'm on my way. By the way, your signature seems to be bragging a little, don't you think?

G. Vakarian

**END TRANSMISSION**

Even if he didn't get the humor in that message, he was in a better mood when he was cracking jokes. As terrible as they usually are, at least he feels better.


End file.
